Congratulations on taking the first step toward a better ecological niche, and a better you. I’m naturalist extraordinaire and personal trainer Chuck Darwin, here to welcome you to Evolutionary Fitness!
Whether you’re a middle-of-the-food-chain specimen in need of a confidence boost, or an apex predator who’s gone a bit soft, any organism can take advantage of the tips and tricks in this five-DVD box set.
So let’s crank it up a few notches, whip you into tip-top shape and attract the partner of your dreams – at least, for this mating season. Just clear out a nice roomy spot in your cave, grassy plain, or lowland swamp, and let’s get moving!
Routine 1: The ‘Run-For-Your-Life’
Let’s face it, we’ve all got predator problems. Talons swiping after your hindquarters? Razor-sharp jaws aiming for your jugular? Long, sticky tentacles dragging you down to a deep sea abyss? This first routine is a fresh twist on the classic Flight or Fright response. I don’t care if you’re a lowly rodent or a majestic blue whale – those propellers can be a bitch, right? – this simple move will save your skin, time and time again. Whew, now we’re working up a good sweat!
Routine 2: The ‘Freak n’ Sneak’
Sure, we all want lots of offspring – our own little platypi, squirrels, or earthworms that we can joyfully watch climb the evolutionary ladder. But producing all those babies can be downright dangerous. So you’ve done the deed, and now you just want to sneak back out of the nest without getting your head bitten off (literally). You black widows out there know what I’m talking about! This special trick will build up your stamina and help you live long enough to see your grandkids.
Routine 3: The ‘Hide n’ Bide’
I always like to say: You don’t need to be the quickest gazelle in the room, as long as you’re not the slowest. This exercise is all about laying low, playing it safe, and blending in – so pay attention, peacocks! Go ahead and burrow yourself a nice hidey-hole in the mud, hibernate a few extra weeks, or maybe even camouflage yourself in some jungle foliage. The possibilities are endless!
Routine 4: The ‘Scoop n’ Toss’
This final move, this one is more of a last resort – very simple, very self-explanatory, very humiliating. That’s right, just scoop up a big heaping paw-ful of your seed and chuck it as hard as you can in any direction.
That’s right, harder!
C’mon my creatures, I want to see some egg and sperm flying out there! You’re bound to fertilize something, right? Hey, it works for plants!
The Cool-Down Phase
Whew, it’s getting steamier than an equatorial rainforest in here! Good job everyone, we’ve finished the full circuit for today’s workout – just pop in the next DVD whenever you’re ready to rumble again. And if your motivation ever lags, try to remember my motto: Pain is just Nature selecting the weakness out of your body.
John McLaughlin is interested in the intersections of philosophy, science, and technology. See his X.